An Afterthought at Best
by Naomi
Summary: Seishouhen based. In the OVA, Kaoru always seems so calm and accepting everytime Kenshin left her and his son to wander again. What was truly going on behind the mask she so carefully wore? An interspective piece into Kaoru's thoughts when Kenshin leaves


_Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin (unfochnately) or any of the characters here within. All rights belong to Watsuki, Viz comics, and Sony (for making a beautiful OVA that unforchunately could not get the ending correct and Samurai X which was excellent thorough and thorough)._

_Before you start, I am thinking about taking down and rewriting my story, "Two Faces of the Same Person". If you think this is a good idea, please say so in your review. Merci!_

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**An Afterthought at Best**

(Kaoru's point of view)

His back.

Once again that is all I see of him. I must have memorized every line. The way that the cloth of his gi gently cascades over his welled toned muscles. How the light reflects on the crimson river of hair.

He's leaving again.

It's the same old story. You would think a person would learn that some things never change. Then why is it that once again I find myself sliding to the floor with my back pressed against the post dissolved in tears as you disappear through the dojo's gates?

I thought it would be enough, Kenshin. I thought I was enough! I thought I could show you that you deserved to be loved. That there is no longer any reason for you to continuously keep punishing yourself for crimes, which you committed in another lifetime.

Wasn't the blood that you shed all those numerous times for this nation enough!

I can't count the number of times I have quietly taken you back, broken and bleeding, after you had finished another mission for the so-called wonderful Japan that we live in. I sat there all those achingly long nights caring for you, praying to kami-sama that that time would be the last time. Praying that you would finally stay. Hopping that you had found a home. My prayers must have fallen upon deaf ears.

Was I a fool to believe that I could heal you with my love? Do you even truly gage the depts of my feelings for you? They are as endless and as boundless as the ocean. You once fooled me and made me think that you do perceive this. No, I find once again that I was played the fool. My love for you was not strong enough to root you to one place. You are still the same crimson bird that flitters every which way.

I have failed.

The tears fall unbidden down my face. This same realization hits me once again. I must have failed you. I am not strong enough to show you what all those who love you know to be true. I have not been able to make you see that no one blames you anymore. Whatever happened to us on your account is not your fault. It is ours for we chose to put ourselves in that position. Don't you realize that you have no right to feel sorry about the decisions of others? We all wanted to be there for you, to help you and to mend you spirit.

But we can't, when you continuously choose solitude as your companion.

I wonder, sometimes if you even comprehend everything that you have missed. Your son's entire childhood has passed you by. His first smile was not for you. His first laugh will never grace your ears. He had already learned to crawl and walk before you decided to temporarily grant us your presence. You were never there to comfort him when he called out in distress, scared by the night terrors. He learned to fight from someone else. He learned his most important life's lessons at the hands of someone else. Others have had to play the part of a father to Kenji for his own never felt any obligation to be his own flesh and blood!

I can't stay mad at you for I truly love you too much. There are times that I almost hate you for what you do to both Kenji and I every time you leave. How can you be seeking redemption by continuously hurting those that love you most? You can use the excuse that you must make sacrifices. Is it justifiable if it hurts so many?

Even when I tried to tell you this, you would not listen. You simply quoted the words that were engraved upon your sakabatou so long ago. "Though my child may despise me, this is for my grandchild's generation." You ensure the future by sacrificing the present.

I cannot condemn you so I simply wait. The burden you bare is large. I suppose I cannot understand never having myself to bare a cross of guilt such as you possess. I only pray that once again, you know that I will always love you.

Until you come here back again, I will not leave this place. I will come to peace with being an afterthought at best.

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_A/N: I decided to once again post an RK fanfiction, seeing as how it has almost been a year since my last story. I know this is an overdone idea, but I decided to do it from my own perspective. I do not believe that Kaoru would have been completely loving and sorrowful over her husband's continual absence. She is human, and it is there tendency in human nature to become angry and resentful towards those that hurt them. I am sure that she felt moments of anger towards her husband. hope you enjoyed this story. Please do not forget to review._

_Miles of smiles,_

_Naomi_


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